*find Part One and Part Two here.

Don’t Make Assumptions.

Although I am not religious, I have always adored Christmas. (We have Santa, glitter, and chocolate to thank for that.) Because of my love for Christmas (and birthdays!), I have a tendency to assume everyone else feels the same celebratory joy as me.
Not the case. 

For many people, Christmas and other holidays can be
painful reminders of loss and loneliness.
And there’s that whole over-commercialization thing.

Assuming that others feel like we do is a slippery slope to unhappiness. It stunts communication and sets us up for unreal expectations. We begin to expect people to be like us and when they aren’t, we take it personally. 

“Assume nothing. In any kind of relationship, we can make the assumption that others know what we think, and we don’t have to say what we want. We assume they are going to do what we want because they know us so well. if they don’t do what we want, we feel hurt and think, How could you do that? You should know.”

When we assume others feel as we do, we rob them the chance of being themselves. Everyone is entitled to their own emotions. We don’t need to ‘fix’ anyone. What we need to fix is our own process. 

“Relinquish the need to change others. Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means that we don’t really like them. It is easier to find someone who is already the way you want him or her to be, instead of trying to change that person.”

Assumptions are easy to make. They confirm our fears and doubts, and create situations that we can control. 

“Well she said this because she must have meant that, so I’m going to do this because that will probably happen.” 

“Eliminate gossip. Making assumptions is a setup for suffering because usually we gossip about our assumptions. We make assumptions and believe we are right, then we defend our assumptions and try to make others wrong.”

This holiday season, how can you stop making assumptions?

Maybe your brother said he didn’t want to exchange gifts, but you got him something anyway because you assumed he was just saying that to be modest.

Or perhaps your boss invited you to the Christmas party and you assumed it would be formal so you show up in a beautiful gown while everyone else arrives in jeans.

Has it been a few months since you heard from your recently widowed cousin? Don’t assume she will be strong enough to reach out when she needs you. 

While shopping for other people’s kids, don’t assume they eat as much chocolate and sugar as you do. Ask for gift ideas that everyone can feel good about.

“Learn to ask questions. It is always better to ask questions that to make assumptions. Have the courage to ask questions until you are as clear as you can be. Once you hear the answer to a question, you won’t have to make assumptions because you will know the truth.”

Making assumptions is closely linked to taking things personally.

A few years ago, I made a big Christmas dinner and invited a few people, assuming they would enjoy it. One person I barely knew decided not to come because she was afraid she wouldn’t like the food (it was a vegetarian meal). I assumed she thought I was a bad cook, and I was hurt. I took it personally. Truth is, she just wasn’t an adventurous eater and didn’t want to offend me with her plain-jane tastebuds. 

By assuming things about the situation, I created drama that I then took personally. What’s the big deal if one person doesn’t come to dinner? More dessert for us. 

“Discern the truth. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, then we react by sending emotional poison with our word. This creates a whole big drama for nothing.”

When you begin to live by the Four Agreements, things fall into place. Emotions settle, relationships improve, and self-esteem rises.

 Your world view changes and it all gets a little easier. 

While each of the Four Agreements stands on its own, they are all closely connected. You can’t have one without the other three. If you make assumptions and take them personally, it’s easy to not be impeccable with your word, and how is that doing your best?

“Be yourself around others. The biggest assumption that humans make is that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. We are afraid to be ourselves around others because we think others will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves.”

Release the need to control and go with the flow. Use the Four Agreements book or cards when faced with a challenging situation. Rise up above what you know and how you have been, and try something new.

Don’t make assumptions.
It just makes an ASS out of U and ME.